SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE

Ever since I've moved to Seattle I honestly haven't had a single good night's rest.  My friend who recently moved here (and by recent I mean 6 months) has said the same thing as well, and I don't know if it's my body simply rejecting the whole notion of a different time zone, or it's the fact that my anxiety levels always feel like they're peaking out for no reason, but regardless I always end up awake at a ridiculous hour and unable to force myself to sleep.  Usually how it starts is that I'll wiggle around a little too much, wake myself, and then my brain goes 0 to 100 in .5 seconds and I'm literally ready to run a marathon.  I bought a fan in hopes that white noise & breeze will help the cause, with so-so results. The other day I actually put on lullabies to help me focus on something calm and quiet to trick myself to sleep. IT WORKED. Next thing I know I'll have to drink warm milk before bed and buy a stuffed animal.  I think I just feel out of sorts still, but its already been 6 months here, I should be adjusted by now, right?!

Guess not.  Here's to another day of dark under eye circles.

MEDIOCRITY!

I'm sitting in a Sheraton somewhere in Maryland and so far I've discovered two things about myself:

1. If I talk non-stop for anything over 45 minutes, I get really tired. Like, marathon tired.
2. Room service is THE SHIT! I can't believe I was a previous non-believer, of course I would like a bowl of berries and a glass of ice water delivered to my room so I can eat it in my bed, NOW THAT IS AMAZING.  It's completely unnecessary, but come on, berries in bed while you waste life on the internet, that's perfect.

Being on the East Coast feels comfortable even though I'm not even from Maryland.  I'm just used to all this totally convenient suburbia that surrounds me.  Although it's raining like crazy here all week, which is a cruel joke to play on me since Seattle is sunny and 70's this one week I'm gone. Rude.

It's late and I should sleep so I can wake up the hotel people at 6:30 and order more berries and coffee. The perks of a mid-level corporate job.

-O_O-

I feel like I've been over-caffeinated since 9am this morning, I really need to figure out how to get myself some kind of balance. Sip like a lady, don't chug!

But I never just have some of anything, I always have all of it. I don't just drink 1 cup of coffee, it's 3. I never eat just 1 piece of chocolate, more like 15.  I can't ever just buy one color of nail polish, I buy all of the colors, it's really ridiculous.  I don't know if it's just my personality, that once I find something I like or of interest I latch onto it with my little squid tentacles until it dies.  Although I will never not love chocolate, that love is undying.  So maybe it's more like a weird tunnel vision, where all I see is that one thing and I get overly focused on it.

or maybe I just like coffee.

my mind's telling me no. and my body. my body's telling me hell no.

so yesterday i thought it'd be a good idea to go to some kind of kick/jump/punchy gym class that made my out of shapeness so painfully obvious, and then chug 3 glasses of diet coke at around 9pm last night before bed. cut to me at 1:00 am with my entire body aching and the diet coke deciding to kick in at a really inconvenient time. my body is punishing me for consuming soda, so now i'm watching coachella youtube videos and daydreaming about vacations and a life with no responsibility. if that were the case, i'd do the following:

after being spoiled with having my sister & boyfriend here in the same week, i knew that i'd have to work extra hard to keep my spirits up in the time following. so far i just keep eating chocolate which isn't at all effective, but the sun's been out and work is busy so time passes in more of a shuffle rather than a crawl.

right now i work in a cubicle that lives no where near any sort of window, it's kind of stuck within an island of other cubes and a stairwell door. but i wonder if i did have a window seat, would that make for a better work environment? or would i just stare out of the window all day wishing i was out there instead of sitting indoors, making me both unproductive and bitter? i think i'd breathe on the glass and draw inappropriate things.

so in conclusion; 

now that i've watched the same video of postal service 5 times in a row i think i'll go back to sleep.

i'm being watched

my parents told me stop cursing on my blog.

I LOVE YOU MOM & DAD!

well vs good

i've mostly been moody and introspective lately, but today i felt okay! but in the glass half full as opposed to half empty "okay". i mean "okay" in the most positive and thumbs-up-y way, and i don't know if it's because it actually didn't rain today, or that my sister & my boyfriend are both coming next week (!!!!!!!!!!), or that i'm going to my first show tomorrow since fucking ages, or that my boss wasn't at work today, or that i took a 2 hour lunch break (sorry i'm not sorry), but today was good.

literally me after i guzzled coffee today because my body is weak and easily affected. i can't handle it but i continue to do it.

observations

wet flowers smell so good in the rain



i prefer the album recording of this song because the noise goes loud and soft at the perfect moments, but his mannerisms in the video are so exact as to how i can imagine the song being felt by the singer that i get hypnotized.  i like when performers lose themselves in their music or craft or whatever it is they're performing. i like shows where the artist is closing their eyes really hard, or their hands are feeling around in the air, or they start rolling around on the ground, or gyrating to the sky. it feels vulnerable.

either way, wonderful song.

head in the clouds

1. my entire life depends on spotify
2. i enjoy making playlists

it's no exaggeration that i spend 3/4 of my day listening to playlists i've made on spotify.  one of my most favorite things hands down in the entire world is my half hour walk to work, because it's a small moment of sheer bliss with just me and my music and the quiet morning.  i'd like the walk home as well, but there's way too much noise and people and noisy people.  what i really hate is when someone walks the same speed as you on a skinny sidewalk, and as much as you speed up without running, they have the pace of a movie serial killer and forever remain by your side. until your cross the street even if you don't have to to avoid this maniacal power walking competition. which i do probably 3-4 times a week.

i actually did this yesterday with a mom and her baby stroller. i crossed at the beginning of a block to beat her, and had to cross back over at the end of the same block because my apartment building was literally in the middle of this one stupid fucking block, which means i had to walk back down to get to my door. we intercepted at the end of the block.  i regretted the whole thing. but i had my headphones on, so i was invincible to all judgement.

okay, playlists;

different days require different playlists. for happy days, i listen to my "smize" mix (#tyra). for stormy days, i listen to "thunderclouds". and for days like today, where i'm foggy and sleepy and want to lay down on a giant beethoven-esque dog belly, i listen to my "dreamy" playlist.  this is my favorite song on it. when i listen to it i tend to daydream and i stop paying attention to important things, like buses speeding towards me, or my boss calling my name.

keep it down

my plan was to finish this book and then post about it, but every page i read i get more impatient to talk about it because I really like it. i keep trying to type up a short description of the book, but i can't seem to get it right, so here's the description from the jacket:

At least one-third of the people we know are introverts. They are the ones who prefer listening to speaking; who innovate and create but dislike self-promotion; who favor working on their own over working in teams. It is to introverts—Rosa Parks, Chopin, Dr. Seuss, Steve Wozniak-- that we owe many of the great contributions to society. 

In Quiet, Susan Cain argues that we dramatically undervalue introverts and shows how much we lose in doing so. She charts the rise of the Extrovert Ideal throughout the twentieth century and explores how deeply it has come to permeate our culture. She also introduces us to successful introverts–from a witty, high-octane public speaker who recharges in solitude after his talks, to a record-breaking salesman who quietly taps into the power of questions. Passionately argued, superbly researched, and filled with indelible stories of real people, Quiet has the power to permanently change how we see introverts and, equally important, how they see themselves.

now i'm sure that doesn't sound at all exciting, and possibly even self-helpish, but even before i knew this book existed i had been struggling with literally some of the exact things she discusses in this book.  i don't want to get all deep about my social & internal bullshit, but when i saw this book on the shelf it was literally glowing with sun rays beaming and angels flying. it's not a self help book, but an insanely interesting look at the evolution of social "normalities" and how sometimes our culture misses the quality of the person because they've come to value outspokeness & charisma & external glitter, even if there is little content there. it's amazing how workspaces, classrooms, literally everywhere, we've ripped down all our walls to aggressively promote team building and groupthink, while completely demolishing any opportunity for independent work and self-reflection.

okay now i feel like i'm getting boring and preachy, but all i'm trying to say is that i highly recommend this book. the solitude that introverts need so they can recharge, the preference for quiet and independent work, i understand it.  i'm not claiming to be an introvert, so everyone calm down, but just go read the book. this goes way past your wiki definition of introvert.

2013 best of

i'm only halfway through the year, but i declare singing bjork's "it's oh so quiet" with my friend rachel as my favorite karaoke performance of the year. also, i'm picking chocolate out of my special k. thank you. or you're welcome.

bad habits

my entire life i've had this tendency to latch on to one song at a time, and listen to that one song on repeat for days on end until it turns into dead noise and i replace it with another.  one would think that i would try some self-restraint, allow the song to live a little longer while i dabble in others, and then reach back to it, but i can't be stopped. sometimes i'm embarrassed that i do this, and i'll 'private session' my spotify so no one can see that i've listened to nancy sinatra 126 times in a row.

which i have been doing for about 2 weeks now.



the recent obsession is 'somethin' stupid,' a sweet little duet with ol' blue eyes that i listen to while i get ready in the morning, while i eat my breakfast, on my walk to work, sitting at my desk, going home, while i read, as i drift to sleep. i know, it's sick.  i've even taken it upon myself to try and actually learn to sing it well, which only consists of me singing the lyrics off the internet and trying to match the pitch, which is hopeless. this is what happens when you live alone. i expect a parade of cats to come into my apartment any second and smother me to death.

holy cow!

it's been 100 years or so since i've posted on here, and if i dust off the history books, my last post was around the moment i moved life to stinky little delaware. since those quiet days where rent was cheap but friends were few, life has hop skipped and jumped me from philadelphia to seattle in a blink. and while seattle is many times over more full of life than delaware, i'm finding myself at a point of always asking "so what next?"

my mind is always all at once overwhelmed and then bored, so in attempt to give myself a bit more focus (whatever that means), i've been trying to learn more and see more and hopefully at some consequence, feel more? or maybe just feel different.

step 1. read more

i just finished reading "after visiting friends" by michael hainey, which i really only heard about because i read gq, and the author is the deputy editor (who i stalk on the sly via men's blogs). every word felt so careful and thoughtful and i didn't begin reading expecting anything in particular because i knew very little about it initially, but i'm glad that i picked it up. the whole time i felt nostalgic as i read it, which doesn't make sense since i have no ties to the story or the time period, but i could so easily create the images in my head that i felt close to the feelings. if that makes sense. it also opened up a can of worms in my mind about mortality and the swiftness of death, but like my boyfriend often tells me after i see movies or read stories that put me in a mood, "it's good to feel weird."

i probably shouldn't grade books because i have no authority, and i usually like everything, but i'll say "after visiting friends" is an A.

melinda, you should read the book and then give a proper assessment, since i'm putting uneducated opinions out in the world.